The Cult of Teavana

We’ve all experienced it. You’re walking through the mall, minding your own business when suddenly, out of no where, a kiosk salesperson jumps out into your path. “Can I ask you a question?” “Would you like to see how soft your skin can be?” “You look stressed, let me massage your head with this scary metal wire contraption!” I normally try to avoid these people by pretending to talk on my cell phone, or holding up a hand in a “No! Do NOT talk to me” manner. I walk as far away from the center of the corridor as possible. But today, that plan did not work.

“Tea?! Tea?! Would you like to try some tea?!” I tried to avoid him….I couldn’t find my phone quickly enough….I had already made eye contact (a fatal mistake when dealing with these folks. Once you make eye contact, they’ve got you” I tried to steer the stroller away, but I was blocked by a man in a rascal scooter and a woman with 35 kids. I was trapped. The Teavana salesman had me. I was a goner.

“Would you like to sample our new-amazing-delicious-acai-berry-infused-red-green-leaf-mulled-cider-steamed-fresh-did-I-mention-amazing-because-it-really-is-amazing-seriously-tea?” I took the tiny plastic shot glass of tea from his hand without saying a word. I was nervous. I tasted the tea. “Oh, wow! Yes, that is amazing!” (It really was delicious) “Isn’t it? Would you like to try this –other tea with an incredibly long list of ingredients and adjectives but I’m pretty sure it’s just– Chai?” I did, of course….and he had me step in closer. This tea was brewing in a pot a little further into the store. After this sample he told me that there were more samples inside the store. His eyes were mesmerizing, hypnotic. His offer of more tea was so hard to resist….

At that point I had them figured out! This was a trap! They get you with that first taste of delicious tea, and then bring you in closer for another sample. After they have you hooked they offer another sample, but you’ll have to come INSIDE the store to get it. What happens then? Does the gate slam shut and trap you inside until you buy a years supply of tea? I don’t even drink tea normally, but when I looked into the salesman’s eyes I suddenly felt like a tea connoisseur. Or maybe a tea addict. I needed more tea! I needed to try ALLLL the samples!!  I wanted to join them! I wanted to be a member of their tea loving cult!

Thankfully I came to my senses. I’m not sure if it was my instincts telling me “No! This is not safe!” or if it was the fact that Avery started crying, but either way, I told him “No, thank you! I’m off to meet a friend.” (that was true) and I booked it outta dodge! But not without taking a catalog of all the teas they have to offer….

But, man, that tea was incredible.


  1. Megan Broutian says:

    Awww, that’s a shame, you woulda made a lovely sex-slave (you know that’s what they do when they get you inside, don’t you? that’s how they “recycle” their shipping crates.. nahhh, just kidding) Actually, I like Teavana tea but we don’t have them in our malls… too bad, I wouldn’t mind some free samples :)

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