When you’re pregnant all types of people appear. People you’d never encounter if you were not carrying a bowling ball inside your belly. Some of these people are wonderful, but many are intolerable. This is my list of people I could do without during these 9 months:
1. The Name Nazi: You know, the one who asks you if you’ve chosen a name, and when you tell them, they respond with a sigh and “Oh….I don’t know if I like that. Have you considered ______ (insert overly popular/horrible/the name of your husband’s ex/crazy celebrity name like Mitten or Blanket)?” No name you choose will ever be acceptable to these people because they “know someone in prison with that name” or “saw this show about teen sex and drug addiction and one of the girls had that name…..” You can’t win against these people. I’ve just started saying “Well, we like it. We’d never have even considered ______ (Insert the name of their child) because it’s the name of a serial killer/dictator/sex offender from my home town but it’s totally cool that you guys chose it. Nice talking to you!”
2. The McJudgersons: You announce your pregnancy and the first words out of their mouth are “Jeez….. you guys didn’t waste any time!” or “I guess you didn’t want to enjoy married life first!” or “you know they found a way to prevent pregnancy right?” or just “Already???” My favorite breed of McJudgerson can’t do simple math and tells everyone “It’s obviously a Honeymoon baby” Uhm….you’re off by a couple of months there killer, but good try. You can usually get them to shut up by telling them “Yeah we just couldn’t wait! And then the sex was so amazing that we just went at it like rabbits for days at a time.”
3. The Tellers of Tales: Those folks who rely on Old Wives tales as medical science. “I just KNOW you’re having a boy because you’re carrying high/low” Guess what? You were all wrong! “Don’t raise your hands above your head because it will cause the umbilical cord to wrap around the baby’s neck!” Uhm, sure sounds logical to me….. These are the people who all “knew for a fact” that I was going to have a boy. I even took a poll to see and I think there were only 2 or 3 people who guessed girl, while the other 10 or so all said boy.
4. The Horror Hounds: “My wife worked with this woman whose entire stomach ripped open while in labor….it was awful….something you’d only see in a Sci Fi movie!” They tell you about ever person they know who has miscarried, every baby born with the cord around its neck, every congenital defect, labor that lasted 74 hours, every trauma and near death experience. I don’t know why they think a Pregnant woman wants to hear about such things. But I prefer to be in the dark on some of the gory details!
5. The Italian Grandmothers: Not necessarily Italian, or grandmothers these are the people who constantly force food down your throat. “Eat! Eat! You’re not eating enough! You’re eating for two you know!” This drives me out of my totally-non-edible-gourd. While I am technically eating for two lives, one of those only needs 300 calories a day. That’s an apple and a granola bar. Therefore that entire cake you’re shoving down my throat is a bit much. I don’t care that you gained 95lbs with each of your pregnancies. My doctor said 20, and I’m sticking to it. Not to mention that you’ve never lost that extra 85….but that’s another blog topic….
6. The “Oh you just wait”ers: These folks love to tell you how much worse it will get. “Think you’re tired now? HA! Just wait til you’re up ALLLLL night with a colicky baby! You don’t know what tired is!” Or “You think your back hurts? Well wait til you’re 100 months pregnant and carrying a 20lb baby, THAT is back pain!”
7. The Prefecto Prego: The ones who have never once had a pregnancy symptom, and absolutely love every single second of this amazingly beautiful miracle of pregnancy! You mention that you’ve had a lot of back pain and they say “OH?! I haven’t felt any pain at all. In fact it’s like a warm hug has wrapped around my body and I’ve never felt more amazing!!” But you can tell by the way they get up from their chair like a 90 year old with a broken hip that they are full of lies. They have bags and dark circles under their eyes but tell you “I’ve never slept this well!!” When you go out for lunch they pick at their salad, and barely touch their soup but they let you know that they’ve never felt any morning sickness at all (as they suddenly rush off to the bathroom) Must be a stomach bug or food poisoning, because it certainly couldn’t have anything to do with pregnancy…
8. The Accountants: They want to make sure you have your finances in check. “You do know how much a baby costs right??” Well, gee, can’t be much more than a puppy right?? These are the first people to let you know how poor all your financial choices are. Buy a new car because a car seat just wont fit in the back of your Maserati? They’ll say “Oh…gee…are you SURE you want to be buying a new car now? I mean you have a baby coming!” Take a vacation, just to getaway and enjoy one last trip, just the two of you? “Wow….I don’t know if Id be spending money like that….you do have a baby coming….” I’m so glad they keep reminding me that I have a baby coming, I would have forgotten. And at 30, I definitely need the help of near strangers when it comes to my bank account.
9. The Been There Done Thats: These are the women who already have children. They are nasty and rude all under the guise of “caring mom offering advice and guidance” They tell you how you will be a complete failure at pretty much everything. You want to cloth diaper? “Oh yeah hahaha that’ll last a day” You want to try to go natural? “Ohhhhh right, have fun with that honey. You’ll be screaming for an epidural after the first contraction!” Formula Vs Breast feeding. Staying at home Vs. working. Immunizations. Day care. No matter what you want to do , they will give you “loving motherly advice” about how stupid your “plan” is. Keep in mind, not all moms are like this. Just the ones who didn’t succeed in their plans, and don’t want to see anyone else succeed either.
10. Everyone else: The Belly Assaulter-Grabs your belly every chance they can get.
The Know it all-thinks they are an OBGYN.
The perpetual party girl-single, never wants to have kids, and wants you to know everything you’ll miss out on now that you’re “tied down” and your life is over.
Pregnant Hippies-They tell you that you should have your baby in a pond, in the forest and that hospitals are the devil.
The Work out fiend-The woman who is 9 months pregnant and still running marathons, telling you how you should really “get out there” and hit the gym.
Pregzillas-Pregnant women who think they can be beotchy and force everyone around them to sit there and take it. “I’M PREGNANT!!! RUB MY FEET! YOU HAVE TO BECAUSE I’M PREGNANT!!”
It’s tough to avoid these people, they are everywhere. But do your best and you will be better off!