In less than 10 weeks Avery will be here. In less than 10 weeks I’ll be leaving my job. These are things that make me extremely happy. Yet, for some reason, I’m feeling really bummed out lately.
It’s a combination of things really. Of course I believe that those pesky pregnancy hormones play a huge part. Beyond that, I’m being treated like a pariah by my boss and I’m a
little lot freaked out about quitting a job in this economy and becoming a stay at home/work from home mom.
It’s really strange actually. Ive been taking calls and resumes for my “temporary” (so they think) replacement. One would think I’d be thrilled to do this, but for some reason it’s really annoying me. I guess nobody likes being replaced, even in an awful situation, but I never thought I’d care as much as I do. This is MY office!! I may hate it, but it’s still mine. Then there is another part of me that thinks “oh, you poor girl, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into!!” The hiring manager keeps stressing “Only a temp position” and our Sales manager keeps telling me that I have to return. This makes me feel good. Wanted. Appreciated.
Then my boss comes into the picture. He ignores me. Wont speak to me. E-mails me from the office down the hall rather than come into my office to ask me something. He will walk by my office and mumble a “good morning” or, more often “Are you doing any work today at all?”
I went home early because of back pain (sitting at a desk with a horrible chair, working on a computer all day is bad news bears) I explain that I just can’t sit there anymore and have to go home and lay down. He tells me that he’ll “set up the computer” so that I am able to STAND at my computer for 9 hours a day (because that is what OB’s recommend at 7 months pregnant…a lot of standing) so that we “don’t have this issue again” The issue being me, leaving at 4:15 instead of 5pm. He’s acting as if I got pregnant just to inconvenience him. Ignoring the past 2 and a half years of work Ive done for this company, and focusing on the fact that I’m taking time off to have a baby.
So maybe it’s just the work stuff but I am feeling really down. Getting out of bed every morning is a struggle. I just don’t have any motivation whatsoever. I feel completely “blah” This bothers me because I feel like I’m supposed to be that super excited, overly happy, glowing, soon to be mom! I AM happy. I AM excited. I AM glowing (ok, I’m not glowing at all. I don’t even know what the “glow” is supposed to look like but I’m certain I don’t have it) But I’m also scared, exhausted, unhappy at work and ready for Avery to arrive. Like Now. (well, not really now, she’d be far too little, but you know what I mean!)
I really want to enjoy these last 10 weeks. I want to feel excited all the time. But I feel dread when the alarm rings, (then I start thinking of 100 excuses to use when calling out) and I feel miserable between the hours of 8 and 5 every day (Clock watching causes much suffering) When it comes time to go to sleep at night, I feel dread again. “What will tomorrow bring? What will the Boss or the Owner say or do to make me feel like garbage?”
These negative feelings and miserable attitude show me that it is the right decision to leave. I can’t imagine how much worse it would be to work here after having Avery. That said, i still wish I wasn’t feeling so blue!