People change. For all different reasons. In all different ways. Good or bad. People change.
I have always taken pride in the fact that I am the same person I was 5 years ago…10 years ago…shoot, probably 20 years ago. I’ve never been in an argument and had someone say “You’ve changed, you’re not the person I knew back when…” (Though I’m not going to be so bold as to say that no one feels that way) I loved rocking out to The Rolling Stones when I was 3 and I still love rocking out to The Rolling Stones at 31. I Loved art and drawing and painting and creating and I still love art. I Loved watching and playing sports and hiking and shopping and concerts and photography and hanging out with my friends. and I STILL love all that stuff. I was a compassionate kid, I hated bullies, I hated the mean girls, I hated seeing people get their feelings hurt. I cared about others, I cared about animals. I was tough but sensitive. I still am.
I’d like to say that I no longer break the rules, but I do. Often. I still speed, I still eat raw cookie dough (even though I’ve been told by everyone that I’m going to die of Salmonella) I nearly got Avery and I kicked out of open gymnastics because I broke all the rules (I took a picture with my phone and went in the no-adults-allowed-foam pit) I still push some boundaries.
I didn’t suddenly become a party girl. I never went down the path of drugs and violence. I didn’t go from despising math to becoming a CPA. I didn’t become vega or run off to a commune to raise bees. I didn’t change in any drastic ways.
Truly, I am the same person deep down that I’ve always been. There are things, however, that have changed, since I had Avery.
–I cry. Not that I never cried before. I wasn’t an Ice Queen or anything, but, I never cried during movies or upon hearing sentimental songs. And I certainly didn’t cry at car insurance commercials! Now, I cry. All. The Time. I cry at all the things. I’m a crier. I cry. Daily.
–I care more about people I do not know. I’m such a “mom” now. I get excited for the girl working the register at Target who just met Nick Jonas. Her excitement fills me with excitement. I’m incredibly hapy for her, almost to the point of tears. I never would have cared much before, but now I think of her as “my kid” and how excited I’d be for Avery having an experience like that. It goes deeper than this, too. You know those many (MANY) facebook pages made to support sick children, or those who have lost everything in a fire, or who lost a loved one at war or due to illness or accident? I always ignored them. It’s not that I didn’t care at all, it’s just that it never hit home for me. I found the “Please share this page in support of…” posts annoying. If I didn’t know the people involved, I wasn’t interested. Now, I have Avery and all of those stories have an impact. That sick child could be MY child. That leveled home could be MY home. That deceased husband could be MY husband. And I’d want people to care. So I care. I “Like” those pages, and there are a few families I’ve started to follow, checking up on them daily…this leads me to my next change…
–I pray. I’ve always believed in God (except for a period of time in High School and in to college where I questioned those beliefs) I never prayed, though. I never saw the point in it, I guess. I believed in God, but didn’t really believe in answered prayers or miracles. Now, I pray. I pray for our family, I pray for your family, I pray for the families I don’t know. If you post on Facebook asking for prayers, whether it’s for yourself, a family member, a friend, your pet, I pray. I say a prayer that your job interview goes well, I say a prayer that your test results come back negative, I say a prayer that your loan comes through and you get that house or that car or that your kid gets accepted to his first choice college. I pray.
–I don’t argue on the internet. As much. That’s not to say I don’t WANT to. My facebook page used to be a hot-bed for political debate. It often got UGLY. It’s different now. Sometimes people post things and I so desperately want to tell them what a moron they are or how wrong they are, but, I don’t. Sometimes I will type out a scathing response, and then delete it. It doesn’t make me feel better, but after deleting 6 paragraphs I don’t have the desire to re-type them and I just walk away. And then I hide the status from my feed. I think that means I’ve matured. At least a little bit.
–I don’t say everything that I think. I’ve learned to filter a bit better. I let things slide. There are days where I will type ten facebook statuses that never get posted because I think “Eh….that might be offensive to so-and-so….” *delete* When someone is acting foolishly in my presence I don’t say “Why are you being such an idiot?” I just ignore them, or walk away. I no longer start fights in the express checkout lane of the grocery store because the person has 12 items instead of the allowed 10. I’m not AS road ragey. There are exceptions to this though. If someone is being cruel or especially rude or disruptive, I will say something. Loudly.
–I like myself. Not that I didn’t like myself before I was a mom, but now I like myself more. I don’t care as much about what other people think of me. I don’t need to impress anyone. That’s not to say I’m completely happy with everything… I am working on improving my physical body for health reasons (and because I do want to look better) but I’m much more in love with who I am on the inside.
–I want to be BETTER. In everything I do. I’m no longer content to “settle” I need to be the best I can be, and set a good example for Avery. When you have someone watching and learning from you, you need to give it your all. 99% isn’t good enough.
–I’m capable of murder. OK, so I guess I don’t really know this to be true, but I am a total Momma Bear. If you hurt my kid, I will hurt you. Period.
–I hug. I never used to hug. In fact, I HATED hugging. I had to be forced to hug. Now, I hug.
I’m happy with the changes that have happened in my life since Avery arrived. Except the crying thing, I do not like that! I mean come one, emotions! Let me get through the 3 minute commercial break without the waterworks! Other than that, the changes have been good.
It’s pretty amazing what one little kiddo can do for your life. Avery has had a much bigger impact on me-emotionally, spiritually, intellectually-than I even imagined. Thanks, Avery