Questions About Adoption

I am often asked questions about adoption by people who are pursuing or considering adoption as a way to grow their family. The questions are usually the same over and over, and the the answers sometimes come as a surprise to the parents.  I thought I’d take a moment to answer the most common questions here, in case others are out there, searching the web looking for answers.

 

adoption poem not flesh of my flesh
“Should we do an open or closed adoption?”

-This is a decision that you need to think long an hard about. I can see pros and cons in both.  My adoption, like all through New York State Child and Family Services, was completely closed. For me, that was always fine and I never wished it had been any other way. That said, as an adult, I do wish that it were easier to access my family history and to contact my biological family.

I recommend talking to families in both situations. You need to be certain of what you are comfortable with. If you choose an open adoption, you will need to come to an agreement with the birth parents about what is/is not appropriate. Will they speak to your child only on the phone, or will you invite them to Birthday parties or over for dinner?  How much access are you willing to give them.  Also know that this may change as your child gets older. They may want more or less contact with their birth parents.

 

“Should we adopt a baby or an older child?”

-This is another personal decision.  There are so many different issues that come from each type of adoption.  You may have to wait a very long time for an infant (especially if you are pursuing a domestic adoption through social services) With an infant you start with a “clean slate” so to speak.  They are yours from “day one” (I was 6 weeks old)  An older child may have more emotional issues (I say MAY because not all do, I have to be very clear on this. EVERY CHILD IS DIFFERENT) but unfortunately, the system can be harsh and have a serious impact on the children who are in it. That said,  there are hundreds of thousands of older children in the US who need families and adopting an older child can be an incredible blessing for your family.  Either way you are giving a very deserving child a loving home, so there is no wrong or right here.

 

“How much does it cost?”

-That depends.  Most state agencies do not charge anything.  My adoption, through Child and Family Services, for example, was *Free* however there are attorney’s fees and court costs involved.  If you adopt through a private agency, or internationally there will most likely be fees, however those vary by agency.

 

“Should we adopt Domestically or Internationally?”

-This is a very personal decision.  There can be pros and cons for both, but you need to decide what will be best for your family.  There are different costs involved with each, as mentioned above. With International adoption you must factor in the travel (sometimes multiple trips) as well as fees for Visas/Passports and agency fees. If adopting privately in the US you may have to pay for health care for the biological mother, or other living expenses. However, as was the case with me, you may pay nothing but attorney and court fees.

Then there are the wait times.  Internationally this can vary by country. In the US it may vary by agency. You may have to wait for a biological mother to “choose” you, or you may just have to wait for a child to become available. It can take years (in either case) or it could take days (as was the case in my adoption.)

Another consideration is medical history. With domestic adoption there tends to be more access to those histories.

There are also legal issues unique to each type of adoption, I am not knowledgeable enough about the legal system to truly address these issues, but if you are considering adoption, you should absolutely seek the advice of an attorney who specializes in International or Domestic adoption.

I am a proponent of Domestic adoption, because of my personal experience, and knowing how many children we have in the foster care system in the US (In the U.S. 400,540 children are living without permanent families in the foster care system.  115,000 of these children are eligible for adoption, but nearly 40% of these children will wait over three years in foster care before being adopted. Source: AFCARS Report, No. 19)  However, I also fully respect and support a family’s decision to pursue International adoption. There is no “right” answer to this question, it is all about what you feel in your heart.

 

“Will our child have abandonment issues?”

-The short answer? (and my strong personal opinion)  Yes.  Yes they will.  I have spoken to parents of adopted children who have told me “oh no, not my child he/she is very well adjusted and doesn’t have any feelings of abandonment”  I usually just say “oh that’s great!”  The truth is either they aren’t telling their parents, or they haven’t realized it yet.  Those feelings can come up at any time, and they will.  I hate saying it, but, I can almost completely guarantee it. If you are not adopted you can’t understand it (Most parents of adopted children do not understand it either) These feelings are incredibly deep rooted, and can manifest in different ways for each child (or adult)

I am a “very well adjusted” woman. My parents always showed me pure, unconditional love, however there has always been that “something” a feeling of loss, a feeling of losing again. For me it manifested itself in my relationships both with close friends and with boyfriends. I pushed people to their limits to see if they would abandon me. If they did I’d think “I knew it, I knew they wouldn’t stick around” and if they didn’t, I’d push harder until they did. It wasn’t until I was in my mid 20s that I realized what I was doing, and was able to work through it.

 

“Should we tell our child he/she is adopted?”

-100% absolutely, yes. Adoption isn’t something you should lie about or hide or cover up. It will only end up hurting your child in the end. The truth will come out, it always does. And you risk losing the trust of your child completely.

 

“What should we tell our child about their biological parents?”

-Again this decision is personal. Odds are pretty good that your child will ask.  I believe in being honest and telling them what you know (if you know anything)

 

“Will they try and find their biological parents?”

-They may, they may not. I know many adoptees who have no desire to search for their birth parents.   I also know many who have searched, and found their birth parents.

It is also important to let your child (I say child, but I know most adoptees who start the search are older)  know that it is ‘ok’ if they want to pursue a search. Many children (and adults) may avoid a search for fear of hurting their parents. Let your children know that you understand that this is important to them, and that you know they aren’t looking to replace you.

Also, give them your support. A search can be extremely emotional. They may find that their biological parents have died, or that they do not want to meet them. They will need your support.

 

“Will our child feel like they are different from the rest of our family?”

-This is a difficult, but important question. They may. It will depend on many factors.  Your child may be of a different race, and they will be aware of that. It is your job to teach them the beauty in their differences.  Even if your child is of the same race, they will have differences. For me, I was the pale little Irish girl who got a sunburn by looking at a picture of the sun. My Father is of Italian and Norwegian decent and my mother is a mix of French, German, Native American, English and more. Both of them have dark hair, both of them get incredibly tan in the summer (especially my mom!) It was clear that I was “different” that said, my family never made me feel like an outsider.  I was never “the adopted one” I took pride in being adopted, but I also took pride in being a part of my family. I will say, I do look like my cousins on my mother’s side, and everyone always commented on how much I looked like my nana (I have her nose haha)

It is your role as a parent to ensure that your child knows they are 100% part of the family. That they are 100% loved and that they are beautiful and perfect just the way they are.

 

“Is it biological mother? Birth mother? Natural mother? Which is it?”

-Go with whatever works for you.  I prefer biological mother, but will sometimes use birth mother.  I personally dislike “Natural Mother” because to me, it implies that there is something unnatural about adoption, and while I understand that giving birth is the natural way to motherhood the term just doesn’t sit well with me.

 ———————————————

I hope this answers a few of the questions you may be asking.  If you are a parent considering adoption and have other questions or would like to discuss anything further, please contact me.  I would love to talk with you!

 

Here are a few books that I have read and think all adoptive parents should read:

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
20 Things Adoptive Parents Need to Succeed..Discover the Unique Need of Your Adopted Child and Become the Best Parent You Can by Sherrie Eldridge

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David M. Brodzinsky, Marshall D. Schecter, Robin Marantz Henig

 

 

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15 comments

  1. thefotobird says:

    Powerful post. I dated a girl about 10-11 years ago who was adopted. At that time, she was 18-21 years old and it was a rollercoaster. Emotions and feelings would come out of nowhere for a short time, then not resurface for months. It was a very puzzling and enlightening experience. PS: Where in “Upstate” NY are you from? I lived in Plattsburgh from 1991-1994.

    • Sarah says:

      Hey! Thank you! Yeah, I have been the operator of that emotional rollercoaster haha is can be a wild rid!
      I’m from the Albany area…a little town called Poestenkill near the MA and VT borders. My cousin went to college in Plattsburgh.

  2. Jen says:

    I am glad you mentioned the abandonment issue. What many people don’t realize is that many children who get adopted are given back to the state- disrupted adoption-because so many families naively believe that “love fixes all” or that babies won’t know the difference. This is especially true for infants who experienced trauma or neglect even or a short time. It actually changes their brain. Adoptive parents must have education and support pre and post adoption. Otherwise they go back into foster or group care (sorry for the rant- I work with many of these kids and being abandoned twice or more times is much more than anyone should endure). Adoptive parents who are willing to have patience and understanding are greatly needed angels- we need more of them.

    • Sarah says:

      No need to apologize!! THANK YOU for the rant and all that you do. I actually used to babysit for a family who had adopted two girls. Bother girls had different issues (the youngest had Autism) the older…I think just had emotional issues from being in foster care and she would act out (she was always WONDERFUL with me—I gave her attention and hugs…her parents did not) They sent her back TWICE. It was the most evil, cruel horrible thing I every witnessed. When I was in college I found her, still in the foster care system, and wanted to adopt her myself, but that just wasn’t something I could really do at the time.

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