Category Archives: emotions

When Idols Fall – Postpartum Progress

Idols.

I think most of us have them, right? A musician, an athlete, a movie star, a writer, a politician, a teacher…it can be anyone. Anyone we aspire to be. Anyone we look up to. Anyone we put up on a pedestal. Untouchable.

We all have idols.

And sometimes, those idols disappoint us. Sometimes those idols fall from that pedestal  we’ve put them on, shattering like a porcelain vase, and leaving us surrounded by the shards.

This week, an idol fell.

I try not to put anyone up on a pedestal.  I know we are all human. No one better or more important than another.  But, sometimes, even I am left in awe of a person.

Katherine Stone, founder of Postpartum Progress, was an idol to many.  An idol to women who in their darkest hours, found hope through the organization she started.  Like I said, I try not to idolize people. I don’t like pedestals. I like us all to be on the same level. But, it’s easy to get caught up in idol worship when you feel that a person saved your life. Or at least played a major role in saving it.  I am sure, I have said “Katherine saved my life” In fact, I believe I said it to her.  And maybe that was where so much of the problem came from.

When people tell you over and over that you are their savior. I think you probably start to believe it.

Our idols can do no wrong…right?

Betrayal was what I felt when I first heard about the terrible things that went on behind the scenes. Racism. Systemic and poisonous. Harming women who were my friends, women who put their heart an soul into the work they did for the organization. I was heartbroken. How had I missed this? Why didnt I see? Why wasnt I able to help my dear friends? I also felt betrayed. An organization that I volunteered countless hours for, raising funds and donating funds. Given years of my life to.

The curtain pulled back. The Wizard was revealed.  Nothing was as it seemed.  Shock and betrayal.

But what could be done?  How could we get through this?  Let’s make real change! A new CEO?  A New board?  Yes, we can make this work. Continue to do the work we started, with this organization, under new leadership. Or not…

Our idolized leader and board apparently had the feelings of a scorned boyfriend… “If I can’t have you, no one can!” and they burned the house to the ground.

Postpartum Progress is gone. That beacon of hope for so many suffering moms. So many “sad moms” as Avery calls the women I help.  It’s gone.  Not because of the women who spoke out against the issues inside the organization.  Those women had to speak out. We all needed to know, and things needed to change.

It’s gone because of egos. It’s gone because of idols who couldn’t gently step down from their pedestals, and allow someone else to step up. They could have done the right thing. Instead, they jumped from the pedestal, swinging their sword as they fell back to Earth, destroying everything around, and leaving moms in the rubble, asking “What happened?  What do I do now?”

Leaving so many of us feeling shocked, scared, and betrayed.

But, Postpartum Progress is more than just one woman.  I will give credit where credit is due, Katherine did start this organization that helped me, and countless other women.  But she isn’t Postpartum Progress alone. WE  were Postpartum Progress and WE haven’t gone anywhere.

Postpartum Progress didn’t save me. Katherine Stone didn’t save me. I saved me. I did the work. YOU, mom who is reading this, YOU did the work. WE did the work together. The other moms, they helped you to save yourself.  Our community of Warrior Moms. It wasn’t Katherine who answered your phone call at 2am and calmed you as you cried. It wasn’t the organization who shared it’s story of struggling with OCD and intrusive thoughts that made you say “Me too! I’m not alone!” It was the women who shared their stories in blog posts. The ones who moderated support groups online. Those who planned, volunteered, and spoke at conferences.  It was another mom. Another mom who supported you in your darkest hours.

Postpartum Progress provided you with some of the tools, but you were the one who used those tools. Postpartum Progress was a resource. A great resource for sure, but there are others. And the people who helped you, the other warrior moms who walked through the fire before you, those people are still here. It’s not about the logo on our shirts, it’s the love in our hearts. There is still so much work to be done. The work will continue. We will continue to do the work.

We will continue to help moms.

Idols fall, but we are here to help you dig out of the rubble. We are still here.

 

 

I Cried at Preschool Drop Off

preschool children

I cried this morning at preschool drop off.

It wasn’t her first day of school. In fact, I didn’t even cry then. No, it was Avery’s third day of school.

And I cried as I walked back to the car.

It wasn’t because my little tiny baby is growing into a big strong girl. It wasn’t because the moment she saw her teacher, she ran from me, to make sure she was first in line (always)! It wasn’t because I would be drinking coffee without my Starbucks buddy.  It wasn’t because she was crying, begging me not to leave. In fact, it was just the opposite.

I cried because as my daughter walked through the gates to school, her face was full of joy.

PURE JOY!

I saw, in her face, that we had made the most perfect choice for her. The perfect preschool, with the perfect teachers. The perfect experience for our girl.

When we first considered signing Avery up at this particular school, we had to think about a lot of things.  the cost, and the commute. The school, while not absurdly expensive, is also not the least expensive.  And it’s 40 minutes from home.  She could have gone to a school 10 minutes from home, for half the price. But, this school…

This school is different, and we knew in our hearts that it was what Avery needed. Where she would THRIVE.

And she is.

Already, after just 3 days, we know we made the right choice.

Avery asks to go to school every day. She loves it so much.  And isn’t that what every parent hopes and prays for?  That their child will LOVE school, LOVE learning?  Preschool is the foundation that a future of learning is built on.  I wanted Avery to have a strong foundation, and I know that her teachers are the ones to build that foundation.

Her teacher told me after school the other day, “She loves it, she really loves it.  She is so focused on what we’re saying, and she soaks it all in.” And one of the assistant teachers asked “Does she EVER stop smiling?”

Seeing my daughter so excited and happy to go to school, run, smiling, to her teacher to tell her about the previous day’s activities, hearing such positive feedback from her teachers, seeing the perfect foundation being built…

It fills me with joy.

Pure joy.

So, I cried at preschool drop off, today, and odds are pretty good, that I’ll cry on Monday, too.

Help Your Toddler Express Emotions – Inside Out #PlayNGrow

This shop has been compensated by Collective Bias, Inc. and its advertiser. All opinions are mine alone. #PlayNGrow #CollectiveBias

How to help your toddler express emotions #PlayNGrow Inside Out movie toys

It’s tough to be a toddler.

As a mom of a toddler I feel terrible about how totally clueless I am. Just this morning, Avery asked for cereal with milk.  So I made her cereal with milk. I should be able to read her mind.  I should have known she wanted the pink bowl and the Frozen spoon.  I mean, what the heck was I thinking giving her a teal bowl with an Elmo spoon? And then, after we finally got the bowl/spoon situation worked out about 2 minutes later, the cereal was SOGGY and the milk was OLD! And what was I thinking, dumping it down the sink and giving her new cereal?  What I SHOULD have done was used sorcery to make the cereal “unsoggy”  It was probably her worst breakfast experience EVER! And don’t get her started on the time I put a red and blue bath fizz in the tub to make purple (as she had requested) but was unable to magically remove the blue to make it red again.

It is TOUGH to be a toddler when your parents just don’t get it!

I admit. I do not get it. Like, ever. Often, I feel like Avery and I are speaking totally different languages. The end result of these misunderstandings is often a meltdown of epic proportions. Part of the issue is that Avery is still learning how to express her feelings.

We have a lot of conversations like this:

Me: “Can you tell me why you are crying?”
Avery: “Because I’m sad!”
Me: “I’m sorry you’re sad, can you tell me what is making you sad?”
Avery: “Because I’m crying!”
Me: “OK, can you tell me why you are crying?”
Avery: “Because I’m sad!”
Me: “Ok, can you tell me why you’re sad?”
Avery: “Because I’m crying!”
Me: “OK, can you tell me why you are crying?”
Avery: “Because I’m sad!”

avery cryingSee what I’m up against??

So, we’re trying to work with her on this, and I’m trying to work on understanding her cues.  One way is to make these worksheets where she can draw what she is feeling and we can talk about it. (You can download this worksheet for free by clicking here: My Feelings Worksheet)

My Feelings Worksheet

Avery working on her Feelings Worksheet

She feels happy when she sees Lions…

We also do a lot of emotions role play. I ask her to show me what it looks like when she is happy, angry, sad, scared, etc. She acts it out and will tell me how those emotions make her feel. “When I’m scared I want to go hide!”  or “When I am happy I want to jump and dance!”  It has been working, and I’m having an easier time understanding her.

When I saw a preview for Disney’s Inside Out I knew it would be a great movie for us to see as a family.  I thought the characters would help Avery to get an even better understanding of her emotions.

Inside Out Toys available at Toyrs R UsWhile shopping at Toys “R” Us we spotted the Inside Out toys! I picked up a few of the Mini Figures to use to help act out different emotions, as well as a talking Joy plush because I loved the phrases, and thought they would be great for Avery to hear, and repeat. Joy says things like ” Be positive!” “Another perfect day!” and “Come on, group hug!” and she is super adorable! Our Toys “R” Us had so many cool Inside Out toys that it was hard to choose, but we’ll probably go back for more after we see the movie. By that time, I’ll have built up my “R”Us Rewards points and I will have a nice reward to use! I love that Toys “R” Us has this program to reward customers for their purchases!

When we got home, Avery quickly tore into the packages and we got right down to “work”

Acting out Joy and Sadness

Acting out Anger and FearActing out Disgust and Bing Bong I said “OK, act out “Bing Bong” and she said “What are you talking about?!”

What do you think?  Does she have her emotions down or what? Here “fear” tends to look a bit like “excitement” but is usually accompanied by an “AHHH A MONSTER IS COMING! RUN!” So, I’m pretty sure she understands (unless she gets excited about monsters…which may be the case.)

She spent the whole day playing with the figures and did a great job understanding their personalities!

I’m so glad that Avery is starting to understand her feelings and how to express them, and I can’t wait to take her to see Inside Out in the theater!

Inside Out toys at Toys R Us

So, how do you help your children understand and express their emotions?

Postpartum Depression: My Story & Climb Out of the Darkness, RI

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When I think back to Avery’s first year, I think of all the incredible moments. First words, first steps, first friends, first adventures. However, I also think of the struggle. The first year was extremely difficult for me.  I was a new mom, struggling with all the typical feelings of “Am I doing this right” and “Am I screwing things up”?  as well as all the intense pressure of the “Mommy Wars” but, on top of those typical pressures, I had the demon of Postpartum Depression and anxiety clawing at me.

Avery’s birth is what I consider to be a trauma. While nothing happened that was life threatening to either myself or Avery, It was not an experience I’d wish on any other mother. 2 years later, even thinking about it makes me cry, and I still lose sleep over it every now and then (and it is a major factor in our decision to have another child or not) When they handed Avery to me after she was born, my first thought was not “Oh my god, she’s beautiful, my daughter, I’m in love” It was “thank you god, that is over!” I was in such a horrible state that I wasn’t able to enjoy the birth of my daughter, I missed out on that magical moment, and I think that is where the postpartum depression really started.

The first 3 weeks were absolutely brutal. I didn’t sleep, I barely ate, I spent every day huddled on the couch, holding Avery and crying. I relived the complete trauma that was Avery’s birth, over and over again. When I did fall asleep, I’d be thrust back awake, in a cold sweat, either from a nightmare about my labor, or one about Avery not breathing in her bassinet. I sat awake at night watching her breathe, and if I thought she took a strange breath, or took too long between breaths, I’d touch her, and in turn, wake her, making sure she was still alive. I couldn’t tolerate anyone else holding her.  Dave would come home from work, and try to give me a break by taking her, but it would just make my anxiety skyrocket. It felt like every cell in my body was short circuiting. Every synapse firing (or misfiring) at once. I’d feel shaky, weak, sick to my stomach.

When Dave was at work, I sat there imagining every accident that could hurt or kill him at the shop. I sat, waiting to get a phone call from his boss that he was at the hospital, or worse. When Dave would take our dog, Daisy, out for a walk,  I’d immediately start scanning the local news stations on TV and Facebook because I knew he’d be hit by a car, or attack and killed. I’d cry until he came home, and then I’d cry more.

At no point did I want to harm myself, or Avery, or anyone, but I wanted to run away. I wanted to bundle Avery up and run. I don’t know where I thought I’d go, but I felt like I couldn’t stay in our house.   I was in a 24 hour a day state of panic. Fight or flight.

It didn’t help that I struggled with breastfeeding, compounded by everyone and their mother telling me that I “COULD do it if I just _____” I felt like a failure every moment of every day. When you’re already depressed, and anxious, being told that you just aren’t trying hard enough is like a hot blade through your heart.

And then Avery started throwing up every ounce of formula I gave her. Every. Ounce. Every. Bottle. She was starving, and she cried, and I cried with her.  I reached out for help at this point, calling her pediatrician, and calling the hospital, and got the same answer every time “It’s not ad much as you think, all babies spit up, she’s fine”  Nobody, not one person believed me, not one person would listen. I felt even more alone.

It took about 4 months before I was finally starting to feel a little better. We figured out the “spit up” issue–after taking a photo of the mass amount to her pedi–a very short torso and reflux meant that every time she burped, the entire contents of her belly would come up. Avery was sleeping better, and I was sleeping better, and we had a routine and a group of moms and babies to hang out with.  I felt like I had control of my life, and I was able to be happy, and calm.

Avery is two now, and while I no longer suffer from postpartum depression, I still don’t think I’m 100% “myself” However, I’m definitely very close.

It has been a hard journey, a scary road. It too me awhile to realize that I had postpartum depression. I was fortunate to travel it with my incredibly supportive husband. He stuck by me despite my constant mood swings, attacks on him when he’d done absolutely nothing wrong.  It was hard, but eventually it got easier.

I still have my not so awesome days, I think all moms do, and I am still not “over” the trauma of Avery’s birth, but I’m no longer thinking of taking her and running away to live in the woods.  Sometimes I do think about running away, but it’s to Disney World, and that’s a whole different story.

 

So, why am I sharing this story again?

On June 2oth, Postpartum depression survivors and supporters,  all over the world, will be climbing mountains or hiking in local parks to symbolize their rise out of the darkness and stigma of maternal mental illness. I am co-leading the Rhode Island climb, and helping to raise funds to support Postpartum Progress, a non-profit organization in the U.S. founded to help support moms around the world.

Unfortunately, I am unable to participate in the Climb this year, due to a work commitment, but my heart will be with all my fellow warrior moms on the 20th!!

Climb Out Of The Darkness is the worlds largest event that raises awareness and support for maternal mental illness. This year there are over 100 walks all over the world including the US, Canada, England, Switzerland, and Australia!

The Rhode Island Climb wil be held at the John Chafee Nature Preserve (Rome Point) on June 20, 2015 at 9:00am. Moms and others are all welcome to  join the local Climb by registering here: https://www.crowdrise.com/courtenaypetracca-COTD2015/fundraiser/sarahbouvier Registration is free.  You can also find information on the event on FACEBOOK

If you’re unable to walk with us, please consider making a donation HERE!

If you are not in Rhode Island and would like to find a Climb near you visit the CLIMB MAP

To learn more about Postpartum Progress, and perinatal mood and anxiety disorders visit  postpartumprogress.org 

If you think you are experiencing postpartum depression, do not be ashamed. Get help, talk to someone–a loved one, a counselor, a nurse, anyone. Let someone know how you are feeling. Don’t let it go beyond the “Baby Blues”  While it is normal to feel some sadness and anxiety, if you feel that you want to harm yourself or your baby or if the sadness and negative feelings last longer than a few weeks after the baby is born, you need to reach out for help.  You can even reach out to me, if you don’t have anywhere else to turn!

My Daughter Is Pulling Her Hair Out

I’ve been sitting on this post for months. Going between wanting to write it and share it and wanting to keep it secret. I can’t keep it a secret anymore, and I feel like I have to share, in case other moms are going through the same thing. This post was hard for me to write.

My daughter is pulling out her hair.

Not just a strand here, and a strand there. No. She’s pulling it out by the handful. Clumps of hair. Every morning I find what can only be described as hairballs in her crib, stuck to her jammies, wrapped around her bottle. Sometimes she hands them to me and says “ewww, gwoss hair”  Other times I find them and sigh, and she makes a sad face as if to say “I’m sorry momma, I’ll try harder.”

My daughter is pulling out her hair.

We’ve taken her to the doctor for this (twice) but there isn’t really anything they can do to stop it, since it seems to be her way of coping with any stress in her life, and once she starts, she doesn’t know how to stop.

 

She used to have so much hair...
She used to have so much hair…
So. Much
So. Much
And then….
My daughter started pulling her hair out. 
It was so thin...
It was so thin…Hair clips wouldn’t stay in anymore
It became impossible to "hide" it....
It became impossible to “hide” it….

My daughter is pulling her hair out.

It started back in September. I found a few little balls of hair stuck to her blanket and thought they had come from the dryer or something. Then I noticed one in her carseat, and it was soggy. She’d had it in her mouth. Then, while shopping in Target, I witnessed the pulling. She pulled out handfuls of hair (4 to be exact) right in the front of the store. I was so upset, and so embarrassed as people walked by, watching. I begged her to stop. I held her hands to her lap and she just laughed, and then i called her pediatrician. We went right over to see him.

His diagnosis? Cradle Cap. Eczema. He believed that her head was itchy and that she was pulling because she didn’t know to scratch. I knew in my heart he was wrong, but wanted so badly to believe him, to believe that there was an easy fix to this. I went home and treated her scalp. The (tiny amount) of cradle cap cleared up quickly and I prayed that was the end of it.

It wasn’t. She continued to pull for a week or two more.

Oily cradle cap treatments became our "thing"
Oily cradle cap treatments became our “thing”
And then it did stop. I forgot about it. Her hair started to grow back in. I could feel the stubble when I kissed her little head. I was relieved and thought that chapter in our book of life was over. A short, but dramatic chapter.
It started growing back!
It started growing back!

I was wrong.

My daughter is pulling her hair out.

It started again after Christmas. Our Christmas in New York was a bit….traumatic…for Avery. She had multiple (what I call) panic attacks (and our pedi calls tantrums) they aren’t tantrums. These “attacks” start with something really terrifying Avery, and result in hyperventilating, screams, digging her fingers in to my flesh, and not being able to soothe. At Christmas a few things happened that sent her into this spin. (Note: These attacks are extremely rare. She’s only had them 3 other times in her life, and that day she had no less than 4. Her tantrums are a daily occurrence, and are a completely different beast) Anyway…the hair pulling started up again when we got home, and has continued.

thinning hair toddler pulling out hair bald

My daughter is still pulling out her hair.

I’m constantly asked “Is her hair getting lighter?  Did you cut it?  It looks different”

“No….she’s…uhm…pulling her hair out….”

What do I do?

We started putting mittens on her hands at bedtime. She would get excited and say “Yay! Mittens!!” but they are always off when she wakes in the morning, and the tell-tale hairball is not far from her tiny hands. How do you teach a toddler not to pull their hair to soothe?  This isn’t like taking away a pacifier….you can’t take away their hair (well, you CAN shave their heads, but we have no desire to go that route at this juncture) We say “No pulling” and on the extremely rare occasions that we find her crib hairball free in the morning I jump up and down and shout “Hooray!! No Hair!!! YAY! Good job!” she gets excited and claps, “No hair!”

My daughter is pulling her hair out.

And I don’t know how to stop it.

Neither do her doctors.

I’m told that she “should” grow out of it by 3…or 5… I’d like it to stop. Now. Tonight.

Let me be clear, I know there are so many worse things that could be wrong. I am not stupid. I know this is mainly a cosmetic issue (though I worry about the emotional and psychological side of this as well)  However, I am upset about it. She’s a girl, she was born with a ton of pretty hair. She had such wonderful hair. And now? She’s pulling it out.

The nurse practitioner that we saw suggested a hat at night, a light one that wont bother her. She also suggested cutting her hair so it’s too short to pull. And to continue trying with the mittens.

So what are we doing?  Well, we started with mittens, but then I discovered these: Scratch Me Not Mittens & these: Scratch Sleeves Two items that I am planning to order. However I wanted something for tonight. Right now. Immediately. And after showing a friend she said “I bet you could make some in the meantime with a pair of tights”  BRILLIANT! So that’s exactly what we did! I cut a pair of tights down the middle, leaving them connected on one side so the formed a little “jacket” We put them over her arms, and put her pjs on top (to avoid the risk of them getting tangled) and this is the result:

tights sleeves no pull mittens toddler pulling out hair“Yay Mintins!” and laughing because “This funny!”

I’m really hoping this works.

Is having a bald two year old the worst thing that could happen? Absolutely not. That said, I do not want this to continue and I think most moms of girls would agree with me on this.

I found this blog helpful to me when I started researching this problem: My Toddler Pulls Out Her Hair-Lovely Scribbles

I hope my post is helpful to any other parents out there who are dealing with this.

What We Say

I’m over the Miley drama.  Seriously. I said what I felt. Posted my personal feelings on the situations. I took the backlash from friends and strangers. Now I’m over it. Moving on….for the most part.

This whole thing really got me thinking about the impact our words have. Especially when we say them to or in front of our children.

What we say, as mothers (and fathers) to our kids has an impact. The words we use, the way we talk about others, it sticks with kids.   You know that one time you let the “F” word slip in front of your two year old and the next day he repeats it at day care drop off?  They are listening, and they are retaining.

I know many mothers who are trying very hard not to put themselves down in front of their kids. Not to say “Ugh I’m so fat! I have ugly feet! My hair is so gross!” And I think this is so important, but we also have to make sure we aren’t saying “OH that woman is so fat!  Look how ugly that man’s feet are!! Her hair is so gross!”

We are all guilty.  I have never pretended that I am perfect. I’ve said negative things about people. Everyone has. But, I am working to change that, and try harder to understand that everyone is in a different place in life, everyone has their own troubles. Also, I vow not bash other women in front of my daughter, as now she is growing, and will soon understand the things I say. I don’t want her to think it is right, or ok, to try and bring down other women.

I want the words that Avery hears to be positive, and raise her up. I want her to use positive words to raise up others.

I think back to my childhood & teen years and two moments truly stand out. Moments I will never forget.  One was positive. There is a man in my small hometown. He owned our “general store” and everyone knows  him.  One day, I was riding my bike past his store, a chubby kid with zero fashion sense.  I stopped to say “Hi!” to him and he said “Oh, Sarah, you get prettier and prettier every time I see you!”   I never felt “pretty” in my life, but those words stuck with me, and still do.  On days I’m feeling at my worst, I think back to that and hear his voice in my head and I feel better.

The other “stand out” was in my very late teens, early twenties (19 or 20) I asked my then boyfriend “If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?”  (An extremely loaded question, I know…but you know you’ve all asked a guy this at one time or another.)  He thought for a minute, completely uncomfortable with the question, and said “Your ankles!”  He thought this would be the best answer, as in his mind,  nobody cares about their ankles!  He thought it was an incredibly safe answer.  It wasn’t. And to this day I absolutely HATE my ankles!  In reality, there isn’t anything wrong with them.  I know that. They are fine, but, I’ll never forget those words.  It was the one thing he would change, there must be something wrong with them.

Now, in these two instances the words were being said TO me, ABOUT me, but had my boyfriend told me that another girl had “ugly ankles” I definitely would have been examining mine and comparing them to hers.

I think the same goes when your kids hear you refer to another girl as a “skank” or a “slut”

We all, especially parents, need to remember that the things we say, even in passing, are being heard.  Lets all try and use words that will bring happy memories to our kids and other adults in our lives instead of words that will make them feel “less than”

 

Note:  I don’t ask anyone to agree with me. If you disagree with anything I say, that is 100% fine, I welcome differing opinions.  However, I do ask that you please be respectful if you choose to leave a comment.

Things You SHOULD Say to a Woman who Just Had a Baby

A Friend of mine share this article; “The Worst Things You Can Say to a Woman Who Just Had a Baby”  I read it and laugh a little at how incredibly true it was.  There are so many things that people say, meaning no harm, that are just terrible to hear after you’ve just delivered a baby.

Another friend commented on the article asking “So what CAN you say to let a mom know you empathize with her?”  The consensus was a joking, “Nothing. There is nothing you can say”  and while in some cases that IS true (We all know that sometimes, silence is the best way to approach conversation with an extremely hormonal woman. Or chocolate. Chocolate and silence.)  There are some things that you can say!!

 

newborn Avery and mommy

 

“He’s so beautiful!” 

You don’t need to point out the babies size, or shape.. Just tell the mom how gorgeous her baby is! As mentioned in the Yahoo! article, moms don’t always want to hear that their baby is big/small/chunky we just want people to tell us how beautiful he is! While I LOVE that everyone thinks Avery is tiny now (I just love that she’s a petite little thing!) When she was a newborn, hearing how small she was upset me because of the fact that breastfeeding wasn’t going well, and she had severe reflux and couldn’t keep food down. It made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough and she wasn’t thriving.

Also, tell her that the baby looks like her, even if he/she doesn’t. Please, for the love of all things caffeinated, tell her that the baby Looks. Just. Like. Her!  At least pick out a feature that mom and baby have in common. You know, like her blue eyes, or strawberry-blonde hair, or peaches and cream complexion!!!!!!!

 

“You’re doing a great job!” 

New moms just want to know that they are doing alright. I know for me personally, I was 99.9% certain that I was completely failing at the whole mothering thing. I mean, I was keeping her alive, but I felt like that was just luck. I just wanted people to stop giving me advice on what I SHOULD be doing, and tell me that what I WAS doing was great!

 

“You don’t have to enjoy every moment!  Some moments suck!” 

I wrote a whole blog post about this HERE Everyone tells you “Enjoy every moment!!  They grow so fast” and it makes moms feel guilty about NOT enjoying things. Like diaper explosions and projectile vomit! Those things SUCK!!!! All moms know it, new moms want to here that they are not alone in absolutely hating a few moments.

 

“It gets easier.”

I suffered from Post-Partum Depression. For me it lasted about 4 months. In those first 4 months I truly felt that it would never get better. Between trying to breastfeed and then learning I had “Lactation Failure” (Seriously who named it that?  as if I didn’t already feel bad enough, now the medical community is calling me a failure??) the reflux, the sleepless nights, the anxiety…. I thought maybe I’d made some horrible mistake, and I was not cut out to be a mother. I just needed someone to tell me, “I know it’s hard right now, the first few months can be difficult. But, I promise, it will get better, it will get easier.”

 

“If you need anything, I’m here for you.”

Sometimes new moms need help.  Don’t just say you’re there for them, really be there for them!  The new mom may not want to ask for help, so, if you are over at her house visiting, maybe offer to throw in a load of laundry, or tell her to go take a nap and you’ll take care of the baby. Even for just an hour.  Bring over coffee, or breakfast/lunch/dinner. Change a diaper. Lock her in the bathroom and make her take a shower!!

 

The general rule is to just be supportive.  You don’t need to offer advice, unless asked. You don’t need to share opinions. You REALLY shouldn’t be telling your horror stories (Unless they are told with empathy–“Oh, girl, let me help you clean up this diaper explosion! It happens to all of us!  Did I ever tell you about the time this happened to us in the middle of our son’s baptism?!”)

 

This is just a short list, I’d love to hear what you think!

What words did you love hearing as a new mom? What advice or words of wisdom helped you through the first few days, weeks, months?